Monday, January 30, 2006

Productivity at all time high...must stop this!

so i have made an important discovery on my first weekend of 'Operation Home Alone'. i am one of two things...1. Incredibly productive when Hubby is away...or the more obvious choice ...2. Incredibly unproductive when my family is home (and hasnt abandoned Little ol' Me for an entire month) let me show you a visual example of my theory below:

A Normal Saturday:

1. wake and drink some coffee around 8 or 8:30
2. breakfast with the guys 9 or there abouts
3. watch some tube and relax
4. have some lunch and relax
5. pretty much spend the day not doing much!

getting the picture? ? ?

Here is how this prior Saturday played out:

1. awake at the crack of 5:45...AM!!!
2. coffee, 3 loads of laundry and the entire movie Spanglish by 8!!!
3. omlette and a full routine on the eliptical machine by 9!!!
4. drive to fabric store and buy crap for curtains, and then drop off 5 bags of crap to donate to St. Vinnie's thrift store by 9:45....
5. is this sad and pathetic yet?
6. massage by 10, and then out to my office! where i completed my work and helped our cleaning gal do our office! (she also happens to be my sweet loving gal pal)
7. we then did lunch, consignment furniture shopped and thrift shopped before i returned to the homestead.
8. i then made curtains for 3 windows, did the remaining 4 loads of laundry, cleaned out the spare bedroom, organized my closets and caught up on like 4 hours of Oprah i had tivo'd (more on that later)
9. after a couple Law and Orders i retired for the eve...at 9:45...

somebody please help me...i cant keep this up...i will be forced to be this equally productive when family returns if i dont stop this madness soon! its like the theory i use on Miko once he has a really good test, or good day, or esentially a good anything! i think my now famous last words are "see, now we know you can do that well, with out being asked nine million times! so we know to expect it done well the next time" why have my words come back to haunt me? damn you irony! damn you!

Friday, January 27, 2006

My Baby the Contortionist


thought i would put a pic of the baby's most recent visit to the doc! obviously my child has an amazing lean towards some day working for the circus, because that is her arm wrapped behind her head (her huge head) and that belly she has apparently is genetic, because i have the same one! even when not pregnant! so contortionist school here we come! i will be the proud parent of a freakishly flexible child that is smarter than your honor student, and far more popular with the boys i assure you! : ) i am going straight to hell for that last joke...oh yup...the bus to Hell just pulled up and i am now boarding first class...

and just so he doesnt feel left out i thought i would throw in a picture of my adorable (no maternity test neccesary with this one) son Crown Prince Miko...hope this new baby looks as creepily similar to us as he and i do! : ) everyone needs a colony of clones living with them! i need a posse, my peeps, you know what i am saying?

Thursday, January 26, 2006

The Art of the Pap Smear...


so i had a doctors appointment yesterday afternoon, and as you can tell from the choice graphic, it wasnt an eye exam folks. it was the one we all dread for the entire year, unless you are severly lacking in action and then hell, who knows! (and i am assuming only women are reading this, and if i am wrong, after this entry i wont be) so let me set the stage for my appointment with Dr. Blue Eyes as i refer to him...i just happened to chose a doctor (off the advice of friends and family and without seeing him for your information) that is a complete babe for a guy who is 40! he has these crazy eyes that are so f ' n blue you can see right thru them...am i gushing?

anyways, it is really hard to stay focused when he is talking, i find myself staring right at him, then i realize i am daydreaming and have to actually shake myself a little to get it back to reality! those eyes are a killer. anyhow, back to the pap smear!

so we are chatting yesterday pre-pap and then i realize its really hard to pull off my normally chatty charm in a pressed black turtleneck, a lap napkin (as i lovingly call those little peices of cloth they give you to make you feel covered) and knee high argyle socks. i looked sassy before we removed my pants from the equation. however, post pants removal i looked a little strange, yet still tried small talk and clever banter with the Doc. not sure how to pull off clever small talk when some one is staring intently at your southern region looking for anything unusual or out of the ordinary! i kept wanting to ask if everything looked ok down there or something absurd like that! i somehow managed to keep that to myself, but got the church giggles and couldn't stop laughing! seriously, how old am i? giggle fits and pap smears are not always in a sentence together. i can assure you that is the first time i have said them together, must be the hormones...

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Facts About "chelsyliz" i never knew!

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Chelsyliz!

  1. Julius Caesar wore a laurel wreath to cover up chelsyliz.
  2. The Vikings believed that the Northern lights were caused by chelsyliz as she rode out to collect warriors slain in battle.
  3. The liquid inside chelsyliz can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
  4. Chelsyliz has four noses.
  5. Chelsyliz can fly at an average speed of fifteen kilometres an hour.
  6. Michelangelo finished his great statue of chelsyliz in 1504, after eighteen months work!
  7. In Chinese, the sound 'chelsyliz' means 'bite the wax tadpole'!
  8. Chelsyliz is often used in place of milk in food photography, because milk goes soggy more quickly than chelsyliz!
  9. Marie Antoinette never said 'let them eat cake' - this is a mistranslation of 'let them eat chelsyliz'!
  10. Chelsyliz was originally green, and actually contained cocaine.

Found all this interesting info at Cheeky's Hideaway! thenk you Crouton Boy for once again eating up my productivity! if you would to check out a random crazy search of your own, please click the link! :) happy hunting!

http://thesurrealist.co.uk/trivia.pl?subject=chelsyliz&gender=f

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Ohhh Amelia!

Well well well younger sister...you come to my site to mock and poke fun at the pregnant bear ey? 'live vicariously thru me' the comment-leaving resident smarty pants says...'officially an old woman', the comedian pokes...well beautiful sister who i do love and adore, perhaps if you gave me a little more to work with i would. spice it up a bit chap and i would live vicariously thru you! at this point however i am better off living my own boring hum-drum life than yours~heehee. i need some action kid, keep the excitement comeing and we'll see if i can suffice to live thru you till my fun days are back in town! thought i would throw in some pics of us beautiful girls for good measure...although some of us are cuter than others...we know who we are...

here we are eating ice cream in our always glorious fashion spread...why did our parents not care what we put on our bodies? and who lets kids chose their own hair cuts? Nice Mullet self! kids need boundaries people geez, look at my shorts! are those striped boys OP shorts and a violet t.shirt? did i suffer color blindness as a child? did our mother? perhaps...look at fat faced amelia with pig tails...she used to be sooo cute...not really sure what happened there...let us move on....
And here is a classic...Hey! who let that boy into the brownie troop...we were so progressive! nice kool aid stained faces mom...nutrition...heard of it! no wonder we are all so smiley, we are so high on sugar we cant keep our eyes focused...still adorable though!

And finally my personal fave of my childhood...drum roll please...the final installment of Chelsea's Childhood...
i was the cutest little boy i knew! :)

Monday, January 23, 2006

Reflections on a 28th Birthday

should i look this confused at any given moment? that was me apparently contemplating the difference between my recent 28th birthday and...well any other birthday in the last...well...5 years!

let's run a play by play to compare said birthdays shall we?

this year...(and lets keep under consideration that my birthday was even on a saturday! a saturday! i hit the b-day jackpot and let's see how i took advantage of it! ohhhh wait, i didnt!)
i woke up and had a mocha with hubby...at like 6:45 in the a.m. because i go to bed at 7:30 p.m. now because i have no energy and can't seem to keep my eyelids open past that time! we picked up the son from nana and papa and got breakfast at a local breakfast joint we NEVER go to...and now we remember why we never go there! have you ever ordered your meal and then spent the entire meal regreting your choice and longing for the OTHER thing you had contempleted ordering? only in that split second when the waitress looks at you for your order you panic under the pressure and order something you had NO intention on eating? am i the only person that happens too? i then spend the meal coveting the hubby's secure choice in his meal and eating the son's fries and ranch! anyways, back to my birthday...enough about me... lets talk about me!

so we eat breakfast...head home and the excitement really picks up...i fall asleep on the couch while hubby and son pick up the house! somebody call the fun police because we are exceeding the fun speed limit all over the place here folks! (although any woman will agree that falling asleep to your child and hubby cleaning without being asked and waking to a clean kitchen and laundry is pretty fuckin exciting)...please dont tell anyone i said that tho, i have a reputation to think about!

then at 5 the party kicked into full swing when we went to eat seafood with hubby's parents and our neice and nephew at Red Lobster. i remember when a birthday meal was someplace you needed to dress a little for and didnt involve lobster bibs...not this year. and saddest part, i enjoyed every minute of it! loved the chaos, loved the bad appetizers, the to-go doggy bags...loved it! then we played Scene It with some friends for a couple hours (which i am a f ' n movie-master at, which tells me i have a creepy grasp on memory retention or i watch too much damn t.v.) and turned in at the crazy hour of 11 o'clock! latest i have stayed up in months! really, no joke! Jealous much?
so that was it folks, 28 has come and all traces of my youth have gone...So long, Sianara!
here is my previous birthdays for comparision...shit i cant really remeber any of them to recap, but they involved massive groups of friends, loud parties of people chanting my name, limos and over flowing bottles of bubbly, fancy clothes and drunken cab rides home with crowds of people still screaming my name (mostly trying to get me to get off the top of the cab doing my teen wolf impression) ok, so none of my birthdays were that glamerous or outrageous, but they sure felt like it compared to red lobster and Scene It...
worst part, it was the best birthday i have had in years, i really enjoyed it more than the last couple years combined (maybe the ability to remember it gives it an unfair advantage)...Good bye youth, see you around sometime, probably when i have my much anticipated mid-life crisis...looking forward to it...

Thursday, January 19, 2006

To All the Girls I've Loved Before...


Ok, so just a disclaimer...those are not my friends...that is not my party, but i really wanted a picture of my ladies partying last night to celebrate the birthdays of yours truly and co-birthday conspiritor Andrea (also known to her homies as Dre Day... My fellow post-party girl now mommy diva! )

unfortunatly i totally forgot i reside in a world of techno-not using gal pals, who didnt come packing any sort of digital or downloadable picture taking device! so i am at the mercy of the only girl who even brought a camera (and a tripod for those of you taking score) so hopefully the Shailly-bug gets those puppies developed and i can issue a photo update...until then i am pretending we were those nicely tanned girls in the above picture...even tho the sun hasnt show its face in Boise for years now!! (and in case you are snottily saying...geez chels, you shouldve remembered a camera yourself...well screw you, i am a big fat tired pregnant birthday girl and you are lucky i even made it down there with pants on let alone a camera! so you can just quit judging me!)

ALL JOKING ASIDE...thanks to all the ladies that came down and partied it up with el-preggo me and made me feel like a hip young gal instead of Jaba the Hut Moo-moo wearing mommy for an eve!!! i owe you one girls! i am lucky to have yah, and between holding my hair while i borched when we drank to much in our younger days (last summer) or driving me around to help locate my car post taking a cab home from downtown, or just letting me laugh, cry and all the other sorted things you have let me do thru the years i love and adore each and every fuckin one of ya!

See you at Mishi's weddin tonite! (i'll be the pudgy one in the moo-moo)

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Oh the SKY is falling, the sky is falling!


http://www.idahostatesman.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060116/NEWS010204/601160322/1005/NEWS0102

Say it aint so Pa, say it aint so! i fear i have been shamboozled, hornswaggled, led astray, misinformed...you get the picture...if you took the time to follow the link above you would've seen what my burning retina's saw earlier this afternoon...a wedding license purchased by none other than Kylee Jean Doty...My baby sister...to her boyfriend...Wes! oh the shivers are running up my spine as we speak my friends! so i did some mild investigation after the newspaper was brought to my attention by my favorite cousin in an email that went a little something like this:

her: so when is your sister getting married? saw her in the paper!

ME: WHhhhhaattttttt? WWHHHAAATTT? My sister? not my sister. my loving sister would've told her loving big sister if she was taking the biggest step of her life right??

Apparently not my friends. so i am now Tattles McSnitchy-Pants because i then proceeded to call all living family members to grill for any info! and no one had any! Not a drop...so now we wait in suspense...to see who she calls now that she has suddenly gotten 8000 vioce mails from long lost relatives from across the globe...or at least across Boise...i will keep you posted friends...

Mr. Pibb plus Red Vines equal Crazy Delicious

http://whiffer.net/files/video/SNL%20Narnia.mov

ok so here it is...reading along today...minding my business...dreaming of the impending fun i am gonna have at my birthday party this eve...ignoring my desk full of work...when BAM...i stroll across a blogger who has this link and says to check out this quick time vid...

and BOYOBOY were they right...about the funniest damn thing i have seen in a while...click the link and check it out...you wont be disapointed...unless you are the Million Dollar Baby type, in which case dont bother. (still riding the angry train about that movie, should be over it soon, just bear with me...)

Well thanks a LOT Cheeky's Hideaway!


so i was bopping along, having a joyous morn at my corporatest of corporate jobs...(not sure corporarest is a word, but should be) and then it happens, as i sit drinking my sweetened creamer and frothy coffee for the morn, Crouton Boy has to bring up a very valid point involving the post-holiday slim down he and wife have been engaging in and the face of temptation at his office that came in the shape of a butterfinger FUN size bar. and oh sir, i do agree. i love to have fun...and you are correct...you can fit nearly a damn bag of those in any given pocket, if they are at least a standard sized pocket...

and then it hits me as i am leaving some goofy comment about our failed attempt at de-sugaring our lives post 12-25-05...WE FAILED! and i fear i am mostly to blame. we did a great job for a couple days...yes folks we were a pillar of WILL POWER. we shopped better, we read labels, we JUST SAID NO to sugar of all kinds. No thank you Mr. Mocha, no thank you Crispy Cookies, No thank you deliciously dark beers, (that was the hubby) and then i fell folks, i fell hard.

i talked the hubby into mochas on saturday, and then it was on! it spiraled down hill till i had a pocket of hard candies i had stolen along the way from someone at my office, and no recallection as to how they got there. i am a hopeless sugar junkie, that cannot stop with use of will power or force i fear! i need to ponder this new epiphany a little and decide how to deal with my failure in a productive manner, and remedy the sabatage i have apparently filled my house with! the poor husband never stood a chance! am i setting him up for failure because my ever increasing waistline has me insecure and devious to bring everyone down with me? i am horrible woman! that is the saddest/lamest thing i have ever done! i must be stopped! somebody call the authorities! warn them of my plot to fatten the world along with my family!

Monday, January 16, 2006

Million Dollar Baby...Not for the Mildly Depressed


OK...i am normally the light or dark comedy kind of gal...NOT REALLY much of a cinema buff...HOWEVER, i feel inclined to comment on the latest movie i thought i would nap thru happily on the couch while my hubby watched (who, by the way, is bored out of his mind from hanging out with the prenant me who currently wants to sleep or lay down like 90 percent of the time)

the movie i am focusing my angst on this morning is the critically acclaimed 'Million Dollar Baby' starring Dirty Harry himself and Hilary Swank...here is all i have to say about it before i return to my work for the morn...if i needed a sweet tall glass of suicide juice to softly push me over the edge of "its not worth living" that would've been the ticket...

who wrote that fucking movie? did they have absolutly no belief in a happy ending? and forgive me if i dont find an old man, reading gaelic at a diner where he had found a few seconds of happiness with a young lady that reminded him family and love were important after he helped her into the after life with an adrenilin needle because she was paralized and miserable a fucking ending!

No thanks kids. i will take the magical miracle recovery from an injury everyone knows there is no REAL fix for. and then they can drive off to the damn diner together and eat all the pie they damn well please...and then buy the diner and live....yup you guessed it...happily ever after!

because to me this is how that stupid (although very well done) movie played out to my mind...

girl comes from nothing, thinks she's nothing, works her way to self confidence and beleif in herself with a little help from Dirty Harry, although at some points i found their chemistry a little less daddy/daughter and a little too hubba-hubba... then when she is finally within reach of her dream...BAM...a dirty german prostitute ends it all with a cheap shot and a stool to the neck...spiraling her into paralysis and hopelessness, then her dream is gone and she wants to die...and she does...forgive me if i go back to my room and kill myself now...i will be cleaning my gun now if you need me? first train to shattered dreams and depression?

i fear i will stick to my comedies folks...i fear my shallow fragile psyche cannot stomach those deep and meaningful films...please refrain from trying to make me think ever again you kind world of cinema...

and thank you to Chris Farley(kindly remebered), David Spade, and numerous others who have kept me in a joyous plethera of slap-stick, physical comedies, all these years...i should've said it sooner boys...thank you, thank you, thank you!

Friday, January 13, 2006

I feel like a sausage in my clothes...


i not to be one to dwell on the small, menial things in life.

ok, thats not true at all. i obsess over things that are totally out of my control...i specialize in it. it's a gift i tell ya. i truly must believe if i make myself crazy thinking about something it will set off some kind of chemical reaction somewhere in this huge universe and send a change rippling thru in my direction...
if that werent true why would i spend 8 or 9 hours thinking about one particular thing...it would mean i am crazy, and i can assure you sir, i am no loon...

however, take my newest hurdle i am trying to over come...it involves my ever expanding wasteline... (and ass line, and arm line, and so on and so forth) now believe me, i am an educated woman in the matters of pregnanacy weight gain...being an expert due to my first child and gaining a petite 60 or so pounds with him...(and thats pry a pretty low estimate..sheesh) but i thought i would do a great job this time of keeping the crazy fat attacks at bay...eating right, excersise, and all those other bullshit catch phrases you hear as a chubby gal that gets pregnant...well F-that my friends. apparently i am doomed in the baby fat department...i am doomed to be a chunky monkey and (excuse me while i ride this pitty train to its final destination) be miserable for the next 4 months. forgive me for how superficial i know i sound...but it kills me. i tried on pants with my darling mother last night before we caught an evening showing of Rent (my first time, her 112th) and i swear to god above i looked like a portly little suasage. held in only by the unbelievably strong fabric that was wrapping my legs tightly! in unprego days i am a baggyish comfy jeans and cords kinda gal...its just how i roll, well good luck finding a moderatly attractive pair of baggy cords for a porty little sausage!!! apparently its an uncornered market so maybe i will scrap my career and go into business making sausage style comfy pants that DONT look like a moo-moo with a fuckin crotch sewn in....sorry about hat. i feel better now!

i realize at this point in my pregnancy i am still doing average on fatty pants weight gain...12 pounds and 20 weeks, not to bad...but i assure you people...i am ONE tater tot away from sending my size 12 fanny spiraling into an unstopppable size 82! one mocha away from disaster folks...mark my words...

i apologize this entry was filled with no bright side, no wit and no charm, its hard to find my sunshine on sausage friday...i will be better after this second mocha... : )

Thursday, January 12, 2006

What to mention...what to mention...Hmmm



it's a strange sensation to write these things with no intentional spin because you assume not a soul is reading...then you do a little shameless self promotion because you are feeling especially cheeky one day and BOOM....adoring fans coming out of the wood work...seriously spilling from the bowels of the internet, swamping me with praise for my quick wit, my sensable take on daily life, my amusing banter that flows from my pen (keyboard) with such ease...actually its just my mom, who i have apparently convinced that i am the funniest girl in the world.

and then it hits me...i have nothing to write about today. my morning has blown, i am pretty sure i ended my marriage this very morn over microwaved eggs...yup you heard me...microwave eggs. oh, you didnt know you could microwave eggs? well you can. but apparently as the hubby pointed out (as i made myself late for the office by cooking the damn micro eggs for him to be the sweet and adoring wife he deserves) ..."microwave eggs taste like shit" ...OH THEY DO? well of course they do, they are cooked in a radiation warmed plastic box...but any woman would know to take the damn eggs, say thanks babe, pretend you were gonna eat them at the office and get the hell out of the house before i realized your ploy....MICROWAVE EGGS TASTE LIKE SHIT! i am sure what he meant was "thanks babe, for all that you do for the family on a daily basis, for me, for the Mikester, for man kind in general...i love microwave eggs" if he'd just said that we could've avoided the next 20 minutes of me telepathically telling him what a ass-jack comment that was...through my annoyed silence!

and then it happens...as i sit here writing his wrongs into the world of cyberspace...my cell rings, and what do my ears hear as i answer the phone..."hey thanks for the eggs...they really helped curb my hunger." well folks it's official...another day of possible starvation derailed by MICROWAVE EGGS!

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

I love my child, i love my child, i love my child...


i am hoping if i say it over and over this horrible urge to NOT pick young master michael up from school and show him what a mean mommie i really can be will subside into bad parent short term memeory...i love my child, i love my child, i love my....nope...not working yet. i will keep you posted...

ok so here's how it all starts...(picture it) me, barely waking, step foot out of bed and it lands directly on child! why, might you ask, is he on my floor? i have no idea, but either way he is already peeved i didnt have the wherewithal to psychicly realize he had relocated form his cushy bed across the hall...and the child looks at me like i stomped him to say a rude good morning...well maybe i did...you cant prove it anyways. then we proceed thru all my favorite early morning routines...namely the 'i dont want any breakfast...i hate oatmeal... i wanna wear my clothes from yesterday... i hate those shoes, i cant find my backpack'...and all in that tone of voice that draws out every syllabal and the pitch of whine isnt even legal in like 35 of 52 of the states...SERIOUSLY KID?? THIS IS HOW WE ARE STARTING OLE HUMP DAY OUT HUH? well bring it on blonde...your pregnant mamma is tired too, and today she hates breakfast, doesnt want oatmeal, cant find her damn high heels, and would rather be in bed NOT listening to you yammer and whine! So like i said...bring it on!

re-reading this i am pretty sure child protective services are fast approaching my office to take me into custody for that last little rant but i am sure we can come to an understanding...

i love my child, i love my child, i love my child!...

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Welcome to the new Millenium Mother Dearest


Ah shit, now she's really gonna kill me, but i had to throw in a picture of my mother (isnt she precious) and welcome her to the world of the internet and computers! (Please dont let this keep you from spoiling me rotten on my fast approaching birthday!! )

my adoring mother has gotten email folks and thanks to my little sister spreading her email around to the family like a bad case of VD i have gotten to share my secret journal (not so secret since you are presently reading said journal) with her so she can keep up on my son's hijinx (gosh i need spell check) and my basicly unhappy disposition on life right now...lucky woman!

so welcome Mother Dearest...i promise to keep all torrid family business and scandal on the front page in bold print! love your eldest daughter...we will call you nana in all entries to protect your identity, well besides the big ole picture of your face i just posted all over cyber space!

Monday, January 09, 2006


i am having one of those sureal days where you look around your office, and hear one too many people tell you something you just f'n told them, or ask you a question you have answered 18 thousand times, and you think...fuck it. i can do with out all of this. you forget for two or three joyous seconds about the house payment, the car payments, those damn teeth your child cant seem to keep in good condition, and all that crap that goes along with being responsible. you plan your final words and exit from the building...and then you remember, you cant leave. you arent independently wealthy like your daydream escape just led you to believe...so you had better (for the time being!!) answer the damn question for the 19 thousandth time and take it in the kisser on this one. because for now, escape is not an option...but once that genius child of yours, ya the one with the teeth, makes his first million, you can kiss that corporate job goodbye...

strangely enough, i really do love my job...its just every once in a while i fear my huge head might explode if i see these 4 walls of my office for another 3 seconds...2...1...caboom...huge head has self destructed...

tomorrow is another day... thought i would throw in a picture of the happy days here at ZEC. thats a picture that will pry get us all fired eventually...mine is the face drinking from the pot of wisdom...unfortunalty didnt work.