Ode to the theif who stole my purse

dear theif who pryed the door open to my brand new car to steal my purse,
i usually shy away from wishing death or dismemberment on people i dont know. truthfully i usually shy away from wishing death on folks period...however, i believe i am fully justified in wishing some horrible fate on you and your drug addict friends who thought mine would be a good car to rob and damage. well maybe it was a good choice because you did seem to get my purse, my checkbook, my credit cards and a couple gift cards you could probably give a fuck about. unfortunatly for you i wasnt passed out in a coma or a drunken slump and i woke shortly after you ruined my brand new cars beautiful black door and realized something was amiss. so after canceling all my cards, my bank account and EVERYTHING ELSE IN MY FUCKING PURSE, i returned to my day, had the car dusted for prints and sold some flooring at the office.

i guess i should remind you dear theif, that my deductable is 500 bucks and its a damn good thing i am independantly wealthy or that would be a real bitch, not to mention replacing all the crap in my purse.,..so far to the tune of about a hundred bucks. its a good thing my car is just a material possesion (although its only a month old and possibly the newest love of my life) that is covered by a hefty insurance policy that will fix it and bring it back to its former beauty...but you know what my deductable wont bring back dear theif? the only god damned thing in that purse i really want back...not that it even stirs in your mind to care, because you are a low life theif, who would rather pry the door off MY FUCKING CAR THAN WORK FOR YOUR OWN MONEY APPARENTLY, but if you had a chance to swing by and drop off the little red card with a cross on it i would really appreciate it man...yah see , it happens to be one of the only little things i got from my dad (although i guess i technically stole it from his wallet) when he died, and since i keep it with me everywhere i go, and since sometimes it feels like the only connection to him i have left to hold on to, and finally since he probably wont be swinging by any time soon to replace it, i would really like it back.

but feel free to keep my credit cards, and hell, keep my i.d. and make copies for your friends for all i care. so dear theif in conclusion, i really hope the lifestyle you are leading lands you right where you belong...serving me fries at Mcdonalds, while i use your life as an example to my children as to why you should do well in school and go to college. i, my friend, will replace my stolen items, and the 3 dollars cash in my wallet, i will deal with the pain of losing something really special, and i will be succesful and prosperous. you, my friend, i am willing to bet...will not.

Sincerely,
the girl whose car you trashed